This reader appears to be confused as to the proper use of dirty talk. See what you think about his conundrum, as well as my hopefully helpful response.

[NOTE: Click here if you would rather watch me read this to you on YouTube.]

Dear Ms. Doone,

I desperately need your help. I recently met the woman of my dreams and everything had been going so well, until several nights ago. We’d been out for happy hour and after her third Pinot Noir, the flirting intensified. Her perfume was intoxicating – I told her so. I kissed her neck, and when I put my hand on her knee, she moved it under her skirt. She was on fire, so I got her out of there and into my bed in short order. We’d made love a couple times before, but I could tell she wanted me to up my game, so I thought I would try some dirty talking, and that’s when it all went sideways. I thought women, especially older women, liked this sort of thing, but when I used the words slut and cunt, she slapped my face, jumped out of bed, and ran out. My texts and calls have gone unanswered. I’d knock on her door, but her dog hates me and I know she’s heavily armed. I’ll do anything to get her back.

Thanks in advance for your help,
Richard Head

Dear Richard,

Thank you for trusting me to help you unfuck this.

Do older gals like dirty talk? Well of course we do, because most of us don’t get ANY talk. All we hear is the slap slap slapping of skin-on-skin and maybe a ‘thank you, dear’ when whatever he’s been doing back there is over. So yes, the right words whispered at the right time will definitely amp your chances of another round of chesterfield rugby.

But what are those right words?

Things like, “What’s that perfume you’re wearing? It’s driving me crazy.” Then the kiss on her neck and the hand on her thigh under the table – that’s what got that woman into your bed. Then you jumped the shark. Yes, you can turn up the rhetoric, but may I suggest something between, “You smell so good” and “Cum for me you little slut.” Unless the woman has let you know in no uncertain terms that derogatory name-calling turns her on, just say no to such descriptors.

Here are some simple guidelines:

  1. Tell her what you’re going to DO to her, tell her what you’re DOING to her, and tell her what you just DID to her
  2. Remark positively on parts of her body – this is especially important for older women
  3. Mix romantic words in with the dirty ones, to take the edge off
  4. Make it urgent; you have to have her, and right now

As for your texts and calls, I’m not surprised they’ve gone unanswered. In this case, nothing short of a formal, heartfelt, handwritten apology delivered by the post office, will suffice. Plead temporary insanity. Beg for a second chance. Tell her what you told me – that she’s the woman of your dreams and you’ll do anything to get her back. And if through some miracle you manage to get her under you again, for heaven’s sake, don’t use the c-word!

Good luck,
Bridget Doone

Feel free to email me with YOUR comments or questions and I’ll post it right here and read it on YouTube and TikTok; it’s bridget@bridgetdoone.com.